Triggers

I’m sitting at my desk, The Spill Canvas is playing on the Google Home speaker behind my laptop.

As I’m mindlessly scrolling through Facebook, I stop on a Portlandia skit about organic chickens. The video auto-plays, but the sound is off.

All of a sudden, I can’t hear the music anymore. It’s still playing, but my heart rate is louder and it’s all I can hear.

“What the fuck?” I think to myself. “There were no triggers. None. What the fuck. Oh fuck. This is a heart attack, not a panic attack. It can’t be a panic attack if there are no triggers. I’m having a goddamn heart attack.”

By now my head is throbbing and I’m sure I’m about to die at my desk.

“Fucking stop it.” I tell myself. “Stop being a little bitch. YOU’RE FINE.”

Still alive. Still very much an anxious fucking mess. And now apparently there doesn’t have to be a trigger I can identify to cause a fucking panic attack.

Fucking fantastic.

A Letter To My Narcissistic Mother

A Letter to my Narcissistic MotherDear Egg Donor,

Thank you.

Thanks for the anxiety.

Thanks for the depression.

Thanks for the self-loathing.

Thanks for making me question everyone’s motives.

Thanks for refusing to tell me who my father is.

Thanks for not believing me when I was in second grade and told you the man at my daycare was molesting me every day.

Thanks for treating me so shittily that I moved out of your house and into a physically abusive boyfriend’s house when I was 16 years old because the physical abuse he put me through was easier to deal with than the emotional abuse you put me through.

Thanks for following me across the country to humiliate me in front of my colleagues at a conference and scream at me that my marital issues are all my fault.

Thanks for cutting me out of your life when I asked for an apology.

Oh wait, those thank you’s were supposed to be fuck you’s. Except the last one. Seriously, thanks for cutting me out of your life. You don’t deserve to be in mine.

FUCK YOU.

The Giver

Do you remember the book (or the movie) The Giver?

The lesson struck me today as I was talking with my best friend across the country who is also currently going through a really rough time.

If you haven’t read the book or seen the movie yet, I highly recommend it.

The premise of the story is a dystopian future that brings to light the comparison of pain and joy.

Without pain, we cannot experience joy. If we don’t have pain to compare joy to, do we really even feel it?

We need both to truly experience being human. There is a lesson in every experience, no matter how painful. Even if it is just so we can experience joy in the future.

The Mug Of All Mugs

If you’re a coffee addict like me, you know how important a good mug is.

One of my good friends got me the mug of all mugs for Christmas.

I loved it at first because it is huge and super cute.

But holy hell, I fell even more in love with it today when I forgot my coffee from this morning, only to remember it roughly six hours later.

I don’t know what the fuck possessed me to try six-hour-old coffee, but guess what?

IT WAS STILL FUCKING HOT!

Seriously, get this mug now. You can thank me later.

Update: I have dropped this mug when it was FULL twice now. IT DIDN’T SPILL A DROP EITHER TIME! This thing is a fucking beast!

How to Make Money with a Blog

How to Make Money with a BlogWriting this blog has been incredibly cathartic. I’d be full of shit, however, if I said that was the only reason I started this blog.

One of the main reasons I started this blog was to create non-location based passive income for myself. (Which will eventually support my off-grid self-sustaining homestead life.)

After only three weeks, it’s already working!

Here is how I’ve done it!


I got set up with Bluehost. With this sweet deal, I got:

  • A Free Domain
  • 1-Click WordPress Install
  • 24/7 Support
  • 30-day money-back guarantee

The setup with the 1-click WordPress install was super easy!

Once the blog was ready, it was time to monetize.

I got set up with an Amazon affiliate account.

Getting approved and set up with an Amazon affiliate account was basically instant.

Everyone shops on (and most importantly – trusts) Amazon.

Their affiliate program is mind-blowingly awesome. You can earn a commission on almost anything someone buys from Amazon within 24-hours of clicking on your affiliate link – even if it isn’t the product you linked!

This has the potential to be a massive money-maker given the way people shop on Amazon!

I applied for a Google AdSense account.

Google took about three weeks for me to get approved but this is an awesome one for passive income.

You earn money on ad views even if no one even clicks on the ads (though you earn even more if they do).

The ads are targeted to the visitor so they are more likely to be clicked on and make you more money.

That’s it!

There are many other options for monetizing blogs, but this is what I’m sticking with for now. Now all I really need to do is continue to write blog posts that will live on the internet forever and generate income from affiliate links and ad revenue. Easy!

I can’t believe how easily and quickly this has become profitable. Why didn’t I do this years ago?!

Need help getting your blog up and running and making you money?

I will take the stress out of setting up your money making blog.

Leash Your Fucking Dog!

When I first adopted my dog, she loved everyone and everything, including people and dogs.

Then she got attacked by another dog.

Now, she doesn’t trust other dogs at all. (Can you blame her?!) I’ve spent the last several years working with trainers and behaviorists to get her comfortable enough to not growl and snap at other dogs in preemptive self-defense, but her trust in other dogs is forever broken. (Kind of like my trust in men. Gone.)

This morning, while we were going for a walk, out of nowhere, a little dog ran from it’s owner across the street and charged my leashed dog right in the face, snarling, growling, and snapping at her.

I had to pick up my sixty-pound dog to protect her and the little asshole accosting her. Do you have any idea how hard it is to lift a terrified sixty-pound dog in a millisecond while having a panic attack?

How hard is it to use a fucking leash in an area where leashes are required by law?

LEASH YOUR FUCKING DOG!

FUCK!!!

The Loftiest Goal

I have yet another goal to add to my list for this year and beyond that I hesitated to even write down because of my fear of failure.

I have a fifteen-month lease on my apartment that begins in just under one month.

After that, I am never signing a lease again.

I gave some serious thought to van life. The idea of traveling sounds amazing. The idea of not having a safe home base sounds terrifying. The ongoing gas and vehicle maintenance/repair costs are also not very appealing.

I decided the best plan for me is to buy a few acres and build an off-grid self-sustaining homestead. Land is pretty cheap in the middle of nowhere, which is exactly where I want to be.

I need to be totally debt free to make this happen. I also need to have some form of non-location based passive income.

So, in the next 16 months, I am going to pay off my credit card and car, trade my car in for a truck and buy a cheap RV and cheap land to put it on.

Goals should scare the shit out of you, right? Writing this goal down is terrifying because now I am held accountable for it. I know it’s lofty, but I’m done wasting my life being anything but free and happy.

2018 Goals

2018 is going to be a new chapter for me.

Fuck that, 2018 is going to be a whole new book.

Here is what I plan to accomplish in 2018:

  1. Move into my own apartment

    My move in date is January 28th. Exactly four weeks from today.

  2. Pay off my credit card

    This is getting paid off, and I am never racking up credit card debt ever again.

  3. Pay off my car

    A paid off car will be my 29th birthday present to myself.

  4. Finalize my divorce

    No more of this bullshit rollercoaster ride. I am finalizing this once and for all.

  5. Get a tattoo of Fawkes on my right arm

    The symbolism of this is incredibly important to me for celebrating my divorce. In Greek mythology, phoenixes are reborn from the ashes of their own destruction. In the Harry Potter world, Fawkes has healing powers and super strength.

What are your goals for 2018?

More Yelling

Today was overwhelming as fuck.

STBXH had agreed to continue helping me at work for a few hours each Saturday until the end of the year, which would have made today his last day.

On the way to work this morning, he was driving my car. He was coming up to an intersection where we had to make a right, but he didn’t signal. There was a car coming the other way waiting to turn left, assuming we were going straight because STBXH hadn’t signaled.

“Can you please signal so they don’t wait for no reason?”

THUD. He clipped the curb hard turning right and didn’t respond.

“Can you please pull over so we can check the tire?”

That question unleashed a fire-breathing dragon.

“STOP FUCKING YELLING AT ME. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TREAT ME THIS WAY!”

“Do you understand the irony of you screaming at me to stop yelling? I think you should go home. Take today off.”

Cue more rage and screaming about how I need him at work.

I calmly asked him to pull over again. This time he did. He walked the few miles home while I drove off to work. When I got there, before going inside, a panic attack took over my body. The shaking, dizziness, pounding head, and crippling nausea were overwhelming.

I texted one of my friends who helped me pull myself together enough to get through work. I was pretty certain I was going to either pass out or vomit on someone, but I made it through without doing either.

I headed to my friend’s house after work. She immediately gave me a hug, wrapped me in a soft blanket and a neck massager, fed me a good meal, gave me a few ibuprofen, packed me a bowl (yay for living in a legal state!) and gave me a cider. I am so grateful to have her as a friend.